Finally Confirmed: What the iPhone Won't Do For You

  • Make your bed.
  • Increase penile length and girth.
  • Remind you of your first kiss.
  • Get you laid after June 31st.
  • Accept an offer to spend a weekend with you on the Jersey Shore after just meeting you at Hogs and Heifers.
  • Visit you in prison.
  • Expand your horizons through a complex, ancient ritual involving the iPhone, peyote, a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and a picture of your dead Grammie.
  • Replace your God.

Finally Confirmed: What the iPhone Doesn’t Have [Gizmodo]