The random endorsement: umbrellas


After throwing Peter under the bus last week with my random endorsement defending e-books, I felt it was necessary to return the random endorsement to its roots. That is, giving me an opportunity to take everyday objects and laud their capabilities, often hating on other present-day “tech” in the process.

Today I endorse umbrellas, albeit somewhat reservedly.

I’m mainly endorsing umbrellas because of their simplicity: they block stuff, be it rain or the sun’s harmful rays. That’s it. No shoe-horned whiz-bang features or embedded ads for you to deal with. There’s no built-in social networking—not everything needs to be a social network; frankly, I could give a damn what my stupid friends are up to at all hours of the day, nor do I care what junk they’re buying online—nor crappy GPS (like in that episode of “The Office”). It’s a gadget (at least I’m considering it one for the purposes of this wonderful column) that works out of the box, no assembly required, no Engrish manual to sift through.

Held in one hand (or two if you’re crazy!), the umbrella is activated with the touch of a single button. By pressing it, the one part instantly shoots up from the other part, granting you protection from the elements all in one slick motion. It’s sort of like sliding to unlock, only better. Better because I think the iPhone is dumb.

No, the umbrella isn’t perfect—they break too easily. Like, if there’s even a hint of wind prepare to have it turn inside-out, possibly even blow away, making you look like a complete boob in the process. You’d think after however many thousands of years someone would have invented an umbrella that doesn’t turn inside out at the drop of a hat. (I guess engineers are too busy working on integrating Web 8.0 into my cup of coffee.)

If anyone wants to send me endorsement ideas that’d be great. I think I’m scheduled to endorse potato peelers next week.