Help-Key: How to turn the Macworld Keynote into a fun, healthy drinking game

[photopress:macworld.jpg,full,center]With The Keynote (that Keynote) at 9:00 tomorrow morning, we’re not sure who exactly would buy into a Macworld Keynote Drinking Game other than college students, but it’s an exercise in foolishness any way you look at it, so I had to indulge.

Drinking games are meant to be carried out early on weekend evenings with groups of close friends, or, more likely, soon-to-be-close strangers. So you can use this with the archive of the Keynote which we’ll have up hopefully later tomorrow night.

But enough about what it is, let’s get it going. You’re going to want to make sure you’ve got a good shooting booze. Some shoot beer, but what’s the point in that? The Keynote usually lasts about 2 hours, at the end of which you’ll want to have trouble standing, in true drinking game fashion, so find something a little harder. We recommend Jager or Maker’s.

Round one reflects the start of the Keynote. We’ll have live audio, and we’ll be liveblogging, so you’ll be cued as to when you need to knock one back.

If Steve is in his signature black mock turtleneck and jeans, take one shot.

If there is more than one Mac on stage, take a shot.

If the Keynote is delayed or starts late, take a shot

Now we’re onto the keynote itself. These apply to the entire keynote, front to back, and can happen a few times throughout the presentation.

Every time Steve says “boom!”, take a shot, every time.

Steve takes a potshot at Windows, take a drink. Two if it’s Vista-specific.

If Steve talks to someone via iChat, take 2 shots, every time.

If Steve remarks that he’s “really excited” about something, take a shot.

If Steve uses hyperbole, like saying “this is the best thing we’ve ever created at Apple”, shoot.

If Steve mentions Apple’s dominance in any industry (wireless phones, laptops, MP3 players, whatever), take a drink.

If there’s at any time a video with PC and Mac guys, like the commercials, take a drink for each one of them, and pour one out for their homie Linux.

Now that we’ve got the preamble out of the way, let’s get on to the meat: announcements.

If Steve announces something that makes the audience groan in anti-Steve concern, like another iPhone price drop, that’s two shots.

If Steve announces a new partnership with any company — games, hardware, services, etc. — that’s a shot.

If a CEO/CTO/CIO or other top exec from another company shares the stage with His Steveness, that’s two shots.

If iTunes movie rentals are announced, that’s three shots. Don’t play this game on an empty stomach.

If Phil Schiller is on stage (or on iChat), that’s a shot.

If a tablet-based Mac portable is announced, take three shots.

If an ultra-portable is announced, take two shots. Take three if it “docks” with another product.

If an update to AppleTV of any kind is announced, that’s three shots.

If the iPhone SDK is announced, that’s a shot. Take three if Steve announces an iTunes-based distribution model for iPhone/iPod Touch software.

And lastly, the thing we’ve been waiting for, if Steve announces a timeline for a 3G-enabled iPhone, well, finish the bottle and have a nap. You’ve earned it.

If you can’t wait to get your Keynote fix on, though, try playing this fun Flash-based “Get Steve Jobs Ready for his Keynote” game. It’ll get you in the mood for tomorrow morning.