Webcam/Mirror promises fun, excitement, a look at my boiling, seething soul

This $89.99 mirror promises more than just the ability see myself while I record webcam video – it promises the ability to see what a horribly vain and truculent person I really am. By enabling me to see my face in full resolution as a emote, I can see how others perceive me and understand the horror they must feel upon meeting me for the first time. That first glance (“Well met, my hale fellow!”) is quickly followed by a pursing of the lips as my gimlet eyes race up and down your body and then settle somewhere north of your forehead, avoiding eye contact. I will then see the pimples and warts that dot my face in profusion and expose my general failure to shave in any way resembling the work of a sane and mature man.

Maybe I’ll notice the chocolate at the corners of my lips, the Pepto-bismol coating my tongue, the hairs sprouting ignominiously out of my ears. Maybe I’ll realize that I was not made in God’s image but am, in reality, a golem-like homunculus of detritus and disease, worthy of no love or attention. I will cry, friends, one oily tear sliding down my face and onto to my desk. But I will take a thumb to this tear, I will refuse to accept what is in front of me. And as I shamble out of the room and into the world, I will push the memory of what I saw from my mind and burp forcefully as I order a Big Mac and large diet Sprite at the local eatery and petulantly pay with change and an expired coupon from last Halloween.

The mirror/webcam is available now at Gizmine. Asian girl not included.