Why watch that Facebook movie when you can see these?


It has come to our attention that someone is making a movie about Facebook, called The Social Network. It stars Justin Timberlake as Sean Parker and Jesse Eisberg as Mark Zuckerberg. (Note: I’ve never heard of 50 percent of those people. Guess which ones!) To that end, your CrunchGear morning crew—Doug, Matt, Scott, John, and myself—has taken it upon itself to come up with even more movies based on popular Internet destinations and general tech-related greatness. These are a few of our ideas.

Commenters: This is a movie about a group of friends who frequently comment on different Web sites, such as YouTube and Digg. Unbeknownst to the friends, they start trashing each other online—you suck, no you suck—until one day, someone brings up the online feud they’re in. (“Dude, there’s this guy on YouTube who’s a total jerk!”) When the friends realize they’ve been feuding with each other, they either A) break down and cry, vowing to never use the Internet for evil or B) beat the living life out of each other, like it’s a PRIDE match in 2002 .

Windows Update: The Movie: A coming of age film that begins with a boy updating his PC. As the update starts, the boy is instantly transported to an alternate dimension where he is treated as a god. Growing corrupt with power, the boy then begins to abuse his subjects, who soon rebel against the great boy king. As his subjects are about to drop him into a great big fire pit, the boy is transported back to his room. The Windows PC has updated without a hitch.

Twit-tuh: A short, indie film in which a John F. Kennedy impersonator, sitting in a chair, says the word “Twitter” with that classic Kennedy accent. The frame then fades away.

Gmail: The Movie: Another artsy movie, in which a young, 20-something Brooklynite (originally from Georgia, of course) begins to take her Gmail obsession to new heights, labeling everything in her apartment and her section of Brooklyn (“East Williamsburg”) with Gmail-like labels. “Interesting.” “Must try!” “Poor service.” “Cool chill spot.” This all goes great until she labels a young Puerto Rican man’s car “Garish.” The man confronts her, but then they probably fall in love. We’re looking to cast Julia Stiles.

Dell: A biopic about Dell founder Michael Dell. One day, he has to call customer service because his wife says the oven is on the blitz. He is shocked to find that this call center is based in the U.S., and that the service he received was exemplary. Nothing else happens.

The point is, if they can make a movie called The Social Network, then they can damn sure make any of the above movies.